I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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