You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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