I just threw up on my dentist
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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