Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
