It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
