apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Boobs are out for the taking
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
