Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
