the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
