Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
