I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
