And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
