I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
