I hate your face
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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