I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
