i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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