this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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