This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
