Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
