I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize