the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
