god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
