Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
