I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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