he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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