there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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