I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
