If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
