I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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