Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
