Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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