it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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