If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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