I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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