who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
it glows. i had to have it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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