what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
