I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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