there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
