Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
