allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
