why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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