if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
