Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
