Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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