How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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