It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize