I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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