I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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