I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
