thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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