dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
