don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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