If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
