she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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