I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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