I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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