I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
