So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
