just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize