return my video game
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
